So let's be real...
I like to keep close tabs on what is happening in my life. If I'm feeling or doing it, there is probably a chart I've already made to organize it ahead of time. It's just the way I am.
But now I've entered into a new season...a confusing one. For the first time, I can't put a thumb on my emotions, what I'm feeling, what's happening and on it goes. Now I love love love new seasons. Fresh starts, new beginnings. Its change just the way I like it, when I can know exactly what to expect. Only thing is this period of my life is extremely similar to the last. I'm a lover of adventures and newness. And for me, my seasons are probably going to look somewhat similar for the next three years while I'm in school. Its a bit frustrating because most of my friends my age will be graduating and moving into new areas in the next year or so. Serious relationships, jobs, marriage, traveling, etc, etc. They are headed into the place I always thought I'd be in 2016. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so excited for all my friends and their new endeavors. But sometimes I feel a little left out and frankly, a little stuck. So that's played into a big portion of my last few months...and thoughts.
The other new thing about this spring semester is that I have more free time. Alone time. Being by myself really isn't my jam. Its forced me to sit down and actually think about what's actually going on in my brain. Scary. Vulnerable. I want to crawl back into this whole identity that I have so craftily built for myself over the years. But I guess Jesus said its not going to go that way, He cares to much about me to let that ever happen...
I realized that there are the problems and issues I've been aware of years and years. And up until now, my strategy was just to put really big band aids on them. I manipulate other areas in my life to try to deaden the pain in others. Now I'm realizing that there's a root tightly attached to all my "stuff" and I'm not exactly sure what all of my roots entail. Some are anger. Others fear. Not only am I just now becoming aware of what's in my heart, but I don't understand it all, not understanding is my ultimate most biggest ever crazy fear, because it means I can't control it.
I don't really have any answers. I'm just trying to learn how to be honest with myself, my community and God. I'm learning that I don't have to wait for my feelings and emotions and passions to be validated by others. I'm learning that its not only okay to not be okay, but its okay to not know if I'm okay. I'm learning that the beauty of seasons is that they are only for a time. Which makes them precious things to live in. It would be easy for me to try to plow through until the next adventure, but I figure that's a sucky way to live my life.
What I do know is this, God loves me and He's binding up my wounds. I can't always feel Him like I want to, but I know He's there. I'd prefer to forget everything, deny my emotions, the past, hurts and wounds. But I'm called to live in fullness. So Jesus goes to the scary places and He steps right in the middle of my pain. He makes my messy, not-so fun areas of my life okay, because He's with me.
So let's be real...
I know He's fighting for the restoration of my life.
I know He hears and answers me when I call.
I know I'm His favourite one.
I know I have favor and blessing and prosperity.
I know I have nothing to fear.
I know I'm loved deeply.
I like to keep close tabs on what is happening in my life. If I'm feeling or doing it, there is probably a chart I've already made to organize it ahead of time. It's just the way I am.
But now I've entered into a new season...a confusing one. For the first time, I can't put a thumb on my emotions, what I'm feeling, what's happening and on it goes. Now I love love love new seasons. Fresh starts, new beginnings. Its change just the way I like it, when I can know exactly what to expect. Only thing is this period of my life is extremely similar to the last. I'm a lover of adventures and newness. And for me, my seasons are probably going to look somewhat similar for the next three years while I'm in school. Its a bit frustrating because most of my friends my age will be graduating and moving into new areas in the next year or so. Serious relationships, jobs, marriage, traveling, etc, etc. They are headed into the place I always thought I'd be in 2016. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so excited for all my friends and their new endeavors. But sometimes I feel a little left out and frankly, a little stuck. So that's played into a big portion of my last few months...and thoughts.
The other new thing about this spring semester is that I have more free time. Alone time. Being by myself really isn't my jam. Its forced me to sit down and actually think about what's actually going on in my brain. Scary. Vulnerable. I want to crawl back into this whole identity that I have so craftily built for myself over the years. But I guess Jesus said its not going to go that way, He cares to much about me to let that ever happen...
I realized that there are the problems and issues I've been aware of years and years. And up until now, my strategy was just to put really big band aids on them. I manipulate other areas in my life to try to deaden the pain in others. Now I'm realizing that there's a root tightly attached to all my "stuff" and I'm not exactly sure what all of my roots entail. Some are anger. Others fear. Not only am I just now becoming aware of what's in my heart, but I don't understand it all, not understanding is my ultimate most biggest ever crazy fear, because it means I can't control it.
I don't really have any answers. I'm just trying to learn how to be honest with myself, my community and God. I'm learning that I don't have to wait for my feelings and emotions and passions to be validated by others. I'm learning that its not only okay to not be okay, but its okay to not know if I'm okay. I'm learning that the beauty of seasons is that they are only for a time. Which makes them precious things to live in. It would be easy for me to try to plow through until the next adventure, but I figure that's a sucky way to live my life.
What I do know is this, God loves me and He's binding up my wounds. I can't always feel Him like I want to, but I know He's there. I'd prefer to forget everything, deny my emotions, the past, hurts and wounds. But I'm called to live in fullness. So Jesus goes to the scary places and He steps right in the middle of my pain. He makes my messy, not-so fun areas of my life okay, because He's with me.
So let's be real...
I know He's fighting for the restoration of my life.
I know He hears and answers me when I call.
I know I'm His favourite one.
I know I have favor and blessing and prosperity.
I know I have nothing to fear.
I know I'm loved deeply.
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