Sometimes, I feel like an onion.
God continues to peel back the layers, and with every layer more of my heart is revealed. And sometimes, what I find scares me.
I like to have it all together. Actually, I'd much rather appear to have it all together. I like to have all the answers. I will do whatever it takes to be okay. And I really like to not struggle. But somewhere along the line I realized that keeping up with the "perfect" image wasn't working. Truth be told, I struggle. I struggle a lot. I struggle with sin, and I struggle with my struggle with sin. Sometimes I gossip. I revert to pride, especially when it comes to thinking I'm more spiritual than the other person. I love people, and a lot of times I'd rather get my encouragement from them, then directly from God. And sometimes I'd much rather lay on my bed and watch YouTube videos then read my Bible or talk to my Father. I just would.
God has brought me through a season of recognizing my sin and imperfection, and the state of my heart made me sick to my stomach. That I could love God and still want sin. I felt disgusted with myself. And in the midst of this whirlwind of a season, He chose to overwhelm me with His grace. I don't have to be perfect, I wasn't created to be. I don't even want to be, because I would much rather be in desperate need of Him. I need His grace from myself.
When going through my latest journal I found my first entry from August 14th:
I'm a messed up sinner, imperfect and greatly flawed, incomparable to His holiness.
God continues to peel back the layers, and with every layer more of my heart is revealed. And sometimes, what I find scares me.
I like to have it all together. Actually, I'd much rather appear to have it all together. I like to have all the answers. I will do whatever it takes to be okay. And I really like to not struggle. But somewhere along the line I realized that keeping up with the "perfect" image wasn't working. Truth be told, I struggle. I struggle a lot. I struggle with sin, and I struggle with my struggle with sin. Sometimes I gossip. I revert to pride, especially when it comes to thinking I'm more spiritual than the other person. I love people, and a lot of times I'd rather get my encouragement from them, then directly from God. And sometimes I'd much rather lay on my bed and watch YouTube videos then read my Bible or talk to my Father. I just would.
God has brought me through a season of recognizing my sin and imperfection, and the state of my heart made me sick to my stomach. That I could love God and still want sin. I felt disgusted with myself. And in the midst of this whirlwind of a season, He chose to overwhelm me with His grace. I don't have to be perfect, I wasn't created to be. I don't even want to be, because I would much rather be in desperate need of Him. I need His grace from myself.
When going through my latest journal I found my first entry from August 14th:
"Here's to a new season that starts today.
A season in which much growth and eye-watering laughter is anticipated.
Where I won't expect to be perfect.
Or even attempt to live up to other's standards.
Because my God is a victor.
All I expect is God to be good and His victory to shine.
I expect to exude His glory, for He is everything that is in Me.
I expect God to conquer.
I expect love and joy to overwhelm me.
I expect great things.
Because I know who I serve.
I don't have it all together. I don't always get it right. And that's okay. I'm not called to be perfect. I'm called to be His."
God sure does have a way of bringing things full circle. I don't have all the answers. All I know is this:
I'm a messed up sinner, imperfect and greatly flawed, incomparable to His holiness.
And yet, I am the one whom Jesus loves.
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