What I've Learned & What I Hope You Know

Not really sure how to start this one off, but I figured a good dose of vulnerability would do my heart some good.

I was raised in a Christian home, accepted Jesus as my savior when I was about four or five years old. Somehow I was able to really get it at a young age, and I'm thankful that I've never known a time where I didn't know God loved me. Growing up was kind of crazy. We moved quite a bit, the first time was in fifth grade and I ended up going to three different high schools. The summer after my sophomore year my parents separated and a few months after graduation they got a divorce.

I've had a lot of people tell me that I seem intimidating because I have this appearance of being the "perfect little Christian girl" and having everything together. I'm big on being vulnerable and real with community, so false perception is the last thing I want. I have tons of wounds and lies in my heart, just like anybody else. I have "stuff" and life is often messy. But thankfully I'm constantly being healed, and hope is always forever throughout any circumstance or season. :)

Over the past three years I've learned a ton. And I have a huge huge heart and passion for church and people. That they can learn and be able kick start off from where I'm standing and journeyed too, that I would be able to launch them out to go to further places than even I will. So I just wanted to share some things I've learned in hopes of doing that.

-If you want to know who you are, you have to know who God is.
-God is real. And so is Satan. You are in a battle, and the enemy truly wants to kill, steal and destroy. Be aware, not afraid.
-God created you purely to love you, and everything we do is out of response to that.
-We all have our "stuff". We're human. We mess up. And we aren't perfect, especially Christians. We're probably the messiest bunch. Its okay to not be okay.
-Its never 5 steps forward, 3 steps back with God. Its always forward. One of the biggest lies is that you are back at square one with that same thing you tried to deal with five years ago. Its not, its just another layer.
-Its not always that we needs God's grace, a lot of times we struggle with giving ourselves grace. Stop bullying yourself.
-You carry life and death on your tongue, so be careful what you speak over yourself and those around you, even in joking. Rebuke lies, proclaim truth.
-Because Jesus is in you, you have authority. You are powerful. You are already fighting from victory not towards it. Proclaim victory over every situation and relationship.
-Process. All of life is a process, so get used to it. :)
-Be aware of your perception as God as Father. If you took the attributes you think God has and put them on an earthly father, would you think they were a good dad? (ie: If you saw a dad that purposefully put their child in a rough situation to teach their kid a lesson, would that be considered good parenting?) If not than you may want to re-evaluate your understanding of the Father's heart.
-Find a small group of people and always be completely vulnerable. Tell them absolutely everything, share all your "stuff". Satan's number one tool is guilt and shame, and he does it by trying to keep us quiet. He wants us to think that we are the only one dealing with that thing. And just so you know, you aren't.
-Love always wins.

So let's be real...

So let's be real...

I like to keep close tabs on what is happening in my life. If I'm feeling or doing it, there is probably a chart I've already made to organize it ahead of time. It's just the way I am.

But now I've entered into a new season...a confusing one. For the first time, I can't put a thumb on my emotions, what I'm feeling, what's happening and on it goes. Now I love love love new seasons. Fresh starts, new beginnings. Its change just the way I like it, when I can know exactly what to expect. Only thing is this period of my life is extremely similar to the last. I'm a lover of adventures and newness. And for me, my seasons are probably going to look somewhat similar for the next three years while I'm in school. Its a bit frustrating because most of my friends my age will be graduating and moving into new areas in the next year or so. Serious relationships, jobs, marriage, traveling, etc, etc. They are headed into the place I always thought I'd be in 2016. Don't get me wrong, I'm so so excited for all my friends and their new endeavors. But sometimes I feel a little left out and frankly, a little stuck. So that's played into a big portion of my last few months...and thoughts.

The other new thing about this spring semester is that I have more free time. Alone time. Being by myself really isn't my jam. Its forced me to sit down and actually think about what's actually going on in my brain. Scary. Vulnerable. I want to crawl back into this whole identity that I have so craftily built for myself over the years. But I guess Jesus said its not going to go that way, He cares to much about me to let that ever happen...

I realized that there are the problems and issues I've been aware of years and years. And up until now, my strategy was just to put really big band aids on them. I manipulate other areas in my life to try to deaden the pain in others. Now I'm realizing that there's a root tightly attached to all my "stuff" and I'm not exactly sure what all of my roots entail. Some are anger. Others fear. Not only am I just now becoming aware of what's in my heart, but I don't understand it all, not understanding is my ultimate most biggest ever crazy fear, because it means I can't control it.

I don't really have any answers. I'm just trying to learn how to be honest with myself, my community and God. I'm learning that I don't have to wait for my feelings and emotions and passions to be validated by others. I'm learning that its not only okay to not be okay, but its okay to not know if I'm okay. I'm learning that the beauty of seasons is that they are only for a time. Which makes them precious things to live in. It would be easy for me to try to plow through until the next adventure, but I figure that's a sucky way to live my life.

What I do know is this, God loves me and He's binding up my wounds. I can't always feel Him like I want to, but I know He's there. I'd prefer to forget everything, deny my emotions, the past, hurts and wounds. But I'm called to live in fullness. So Jesus goes to the scary places and He steps right in the middle of my pain. He makes my messy, not-so fun areas of my life okay, because He's with me.

So let's be real...

I know He's fighting for the restoration of my life.
I know He hears and answers me when I call.
I know I'm His favourite one.
I know I have favor and blessing and prosperity.
I know I have nothing to fear.
I know I'm loved deeply.

Imperfect. And Perfectly Loved.

Sometimes, I feel like an onion.

God continues to peel back the layers, and with every layer more of my heart is revealed. And sometimes, what I find scares me.

        I like to have it all together. Actually, I'd much rather appear to have it all together. I like to have all the answers. I will do whatever it takes to be okay. And I really like to not struggle. But somewhere along the line I realized that keeping up with the "perfect" image wasn't working. Truth be told, I struggle. I struggle a lot. I struggle with sin, and I struggle with my struggle with sin. Sometimes I gossip. I revert to pride, especially when it comes to thinking I'm more spiritual than the other person. I love people, and a lot of times I'd rather get my encouragement from them, then directly from God. And sometimes I'd much rather lay on my bed and watch YouTube videos then read my Bible or talk to my Father. I just would.

      God has brought me through a season of recognizing my sin and imperfection, and the state of my heart made me sick to my stomach. That I could love God and still want sin. I felt disgusted with myself. And in the midst of this whirlwind of a season, He chose to overwhelm me with His grace. I don't have to be perfect, I wasn't created to be. I don't even want to be, because I would much rather be in desperate need of Him. I need His grace from myself.

When going through my latest journal I found my first entry from August 14th:

                                "Here's to a new season that starts today.

A season in which much growth and eye-watering laughter is anticipated.

Where I won't expect to be perfect.

Or even attempt to live up to other's standards.

Because my God is a victor.

All I expect is God to be good and His victory to shine.

I expect to exude His glory, for He is everything that is in Me.

I expect God to conquer.

I expect love and joy to overwhelm me.

I expect great things.

Because I know who I serve.

I don't have it all together. I don't always get it right. And that's okay. I'm not called to be perfect. I'm called to be His."

  God sure does have a way of bringing things full circle. I don't have all the answers. All I know is this:

  I'm a messed up sinner, imperfect and greatly flawed, incomparable to His holiness.

 And yet, I am the one whom Jesus loves.

This Child Soldier Has A Name

        During my time in Lira our team has been able to make many trips to the hospital to visit and pray over the patients. Among one of the visits I was able to meet Joseph, a former child soldier that had been abducted by the LRA. He had come to the hospital to see and older woman he knew, and to help pay for her medical bills. Through our conversation he began to tell me his story, and a few weeks later he was able to type up and email his experience in detail to me.
        Being in Uganda has allowed me to put a face to these brutal stories. They are no longer merely statistics, they are personal. ***Be aware that Joseph's story isn't easy to read, and at times is gruesome. But it is truthful and unfortunately, it was his reality.

"My father used to have two wives in 1984, of which the first was my
mother. In 1985 my father was appointed to be a pastor. He started to
chase away his first wife, who was my mother. This was when I was two
years old and she was forced to go while leaving me behind, so when
she left my stepmother took care of me and I happened to stay unaware
of the fact that my stepmother was not my real mother. Though the
situation was rough, I kept questioning myself if really this was my
real mother and I could not get any answer for myself. When I stayed
with my parents for 15 years I started hearing some rumours that my
real mother is close but whenever I asked my father about her he would
get really upset that is why I couldn´t ask him anymore and I just
continued persevere with the hard situation.
Unfortunately in 1999 the Lords Resistance Army abducted me by the age
of 15. This happened on a Friday and after I was abducted with seven
of my friends we spent the night in the bush. During that night the
rebels slaughtered five of us and only two of us were allowed to
continue with the rebels.

Then in 2001 we were all in Sudan and from there I managed to be taken
and stayed in the home of the rebel commander Joseph Kony and in 2002
they took me to school and I was allowed to study in Sudan for the
next three years. From there I heard that some of my relatives were
killed by the LRA. Then in 2004 they gave me one of the hardest task
to do, which was cutting of one hundred heads, and two sacks of
women´s breasts and all this was supposed to be done in only 7 days.
The task was so hard that I could not fulfil it. Because I was scared
of the consequences of my failure I still managed this terrible and
crucial task. But my daily prayer was to come back and start living my normal life.

In that same year of 2004 they took me and other child soldiers back to
Barloonyo and we were forced again to kill the people from our homes.
And from there about 370 people lost their lives and numbers of houses
were burnt and young kids of 7 years and younger were cut into pieces
and adults were pushed in houses and burnt as well. Many government
soldiers were defeated, tortured and killed and all the farm animals
were massacred. The area was left with no hope whatsoever of any human
being seen around. The following day, we went to Katakwi to a place
called Balanga and there we killed 120 people and a great number of
government soldiers and I was forced to carry two rotten bodies in a
sack. This was a particular punishment because I had misplaced my gun.
After that I was forced to carry two rotten head tied on my neck.
This year was a terrible year of atrocities and personal difficulties.
In this same year we went to my former home and they happened to
abduct 20 people of my home village and they forced me to slaughter
them by myself. This was the most difficult thing for me to be done by
myself and I started crying. They immediately forced me to sit down
and held a gun at my head to kill me. That was the moment when I
forced myself to slaughter all these people as they had instructed me
to do.

All these happenings were stuck in my mind, after they had forced me
to carry rotten body parts, I couldn´t neither sleep nor eat or talk
without feeling terrible afterward and terrible nightmares shocked me
every night, all these memories terribly affected me mentally and
physically.

One day we went again to a certain place called Lira Parto and there 7
kids were pushed in a sack and pound like maize until they died. All
these cruelties made my life were painful and I suffered from terrible
worries and as if that was not enough, one day they brought 15 women
and they were all tied on the ground with dried grass and then the
rebels burnt them and forced us to watch them die. During that
horrible crime, the women were crying and begged God for help. They
also forced an old grandmother to have sex with one of her
grandchildren that was only 14 years old and they forced them to enjoy
it publically. Since they were forced by the evil spirit they again
happened to cut off 20 peoples mouth, ears and noses and this was
commanded by the spirit in Kony. Later that evening after this event,
the spirit commanded Kony to make 5 people eaten alive by their fellow
friends and we were the ones who were forced to eat all those people,
leaving only the bones standing. In addition to that we were forced to
carry peoples goats, cattle, birds (such as ducks and chicken) and
many other animals and yet all these actions felt like violating the
will of God.

And again when we were going across to Sudan, we met some soldiers and
we fought and many of us were killed, but we ended the battle by
defeating them and of one hundred thousand soldiers patrolling
alongside of the border we managed to pass through without too much of
a problem. About two hundred thousand people alongside the border of
Uganda and Sudan were either killed or taken away from their homes to
live in Internal Displacement Camps.

And during the same period; many people were arrested especially the
young abducted men and women where by these men were taken to be
trained to become good soldiers in the future, where as the young
women captured were given to other men, or even sold to them, which
was also terrible insulting in front of God."

Check Out My Blog

Check out my blog and read about all the crazy adventures I'm having here in Lira, Uganda!

http://uganda.adventures.org/

Bigger Than My Suitcase

My suitcase just broke, and I'm a bit flustered because I cannot figure out where the heck I'm going to put my sleeping bag and pillow. Amidst all this craziness I feel God tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Hey, you can't do this alone, remember?"

Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But somehow I tend to replace the word Christ with Hannah. All I am is a puny little human, yet again and again I think I know it all. For some odd reason I find it so easy to trust God with the huge things, like raising $5, 400. But when it comes to finding the money to buy a suitcase I automatically freak. Does that even begin to make sense? I want to go into this trip with total peace, because I know that the Holy Spirit is totally and completely capable of giving me that. He is so much greater than me, this world, and my suitcase :). Why should I even worry? I know He will take care of me always.

10 Days. 10 Things I Don't Want To Leave. 10 Things I Can't Wait To Find.

10 Days.

Ten days until I leave for Atlanta and then Uganda! Here are ten things I don't want to leave behind, and ten things I can't wait to find!

Things I Don't Want To Leave Behind..

1) Friends & Family

2) Another Ohio autumn..baking, leaves changing colors, hot apple cider, delicious smells, tasty pies.

3) Hot showers!

4) The Hobbit coming to theaters December 14th. Nerdy right?;) I totally would of dressed up for the midnight premiere!

5) My big and comfortable bed!

6) Not having to apply tons of sunscreen and bug spray on a daily basis.

7) Taylor Swift's new Red album releasing October 22nd. Big big T-Swift fan.

8) Thanksgiving (:

9) Understanding what people are saying and being able to easily communicate.

10) Living in my comfort zone.

Things I Can't Wait To Find!

1) Encountering God in a whole new way!

2) Experiencing new cultures!

3) Meeting the beautiful people of Uganda!

4) All the super tight friendships I'm going to make..especially with my team!

5) Not having technology invade my life 24/7.

6) Dancing! The people of Uganda evidently love to dance..as do I! :)

7) All the new experiences the Lord will bless me with!

8) Worship!

9) Intense spiritual growth!

10) The unknown. Having faith that God is going to completely bless me in ways I can't even begin to imagine on a daily basis!

Can I just say that the second list was much much easier to come with then the first. For the most part the things I don't want to leave behind are worldly and temporary. Whereas the things I'm looking forward to finding are mostly spiritual, and everlasting. I cannot believe that in ten days I will be at training camp! God is good! Please be praying!

His Daughter,

Hannah Renee'